Chris Voss: Never Split The Difference… with your toddler.

Negotiating as if your sanity depended on it.

Welcome to book club!

When I had a baby and less time to turn pages, I found audiobooks to be incredibly helpful. I was surprised at how a lot of what I was learning for myself became new tools for parenting. While I encourage book consumption in any form, I highly recommend listening to Never Split The Difference. You get so much from hearing his narration and tone. If you’re like me, you might end up with a copy on your shelf as well… For emergencies.

Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

Never Split the Difference is a guide to negotiating by former FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss. It has core principles like tactical empathy and active listening while embracing connection over compromise. From Salary negotiation to bedtime, this book is truly a must read for every human.

The Trash-Compactor & The Late Night FM DJ Voice

Okay, so, the “trash compactor” is mine. Chris Voss is welcome to this, obviously, since I haven’t figured out how to send him a fruit basket for all of his help. But, it pairs nicely with the “late night FM DJ voice”.

Pause, take your initial response that is reactionary and counterproductive, compact it down, breathe, and then respond in your late night FM DJ voice. Low and slow. We’re calming them down and ourselves.

Kids love big reactions. There is absolutely a time and place for it (parking lots, around large bodies of water, the state fair. You know, emergency stuff). But I don’t want to be at a 9 all of the time. Plus, I know it will make things more difficult for everyone 95% of the time. So we adapt to survive.

But what does that sound like?

Here is a clip of Chris explaining the voice and some of its implications.

For me it could look like something like this… 5 minutes after we’re supposed to be dressed and out the door: I WANT TO WEAR MY JAMMIES ! Compact, breathe, respond with my FM DJ voice. “Oh, You want to wear your jammies to play but for the park we have to wear play clothes. I know that’s tough. What shirt do you want to play in? Hello Kitty or Pink Floyd?”. For me, the earlier I get ahead of these conversations the better, so you don’t have to wait until crisis point to start working with this.

IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT YOUR TRASH COMPACTOR: You have to remember to take out the trash when things settle down. Ideally with something like breath-work, exercise, journaling or talking with someone. The donut’s don’t really help, trust me.

Can’t wait for more Jedi-Negotiating tools?!

My goal is to provide you with something to run with AND encourage you to invest in this book/audiobook for yourself. While I’m not going to break down all of the tools here (because Chris has already expertly done that), here are a few additional things you can expect from the book…

The power of mirroring. (Keeping conversations open and building connection.
Redefining “NO” as a opportunity to gather more information or reframe the discussion
Utilizing Calibrated questions. “What” & “How” questions
Avoiding splitting the difference. Compromising isn’t always the best solution.
Salary negotiation. Let’s be honest, we all need help here.
Sales tactics, price negotiation, and so much more.

Checking in

Has Never Split The Difference already made an impact for you in some way? How did you implement it into your life? What are some things you are struggling with now as a human and as a parent? Let’s snack and unpack.

momnagerie